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Friday, 19 April 2013

  • I don't know why I post here sometimes. I grow weary of talking about shit thats bothering me. Yet that seems to be the only thing I talk about. Ive not been able to write poetry, and my creative flow is non-existent these days. I don't like you right now, xanga. You're like a girlfriend that doesn't even listen to me. We clearly need some distance

Sunday, 07 April 2013

  • Blank Slate

    Trying to find a career path without anything to work off of is a nightmare. I feel like I'm running through a forest, trying to find the entrance, but I keep second-guessing the way I'm going, so I turn this way and that way...only to realize I'm going further into the forest. Sorry if the analogy sucks.

    I've been sporadically trying to think about what I really want to do with my future. I've always seen myself as a writer. I like to write. But I hit a plateau, and I feel like my writing isn't really improving anymore. Either its because I'm not as good as I thought I was or I haven't had any real teacher to help me improve for quite some time. Regardless, the opportunities for a writer are slim. The opportunities for an amateur writer: non-existent.

    Besides writing, I don't really no what else I'm good at doing. I had a silly notion of becoming a doctor for a while. But I don't like science. The moment those words come out of my mouth, every single person gives me the look, and tells me I should probably rethink my career.

    So here I am. Essentially a blank slate. I think I'll go draw.

Tuesday, 02 April 2013

  • New breath

    So I've left Rochester. I couldn't take being there much more, and it was showing in my classwork. I wasn't going to class, and I was running low on excuses. Most professors figured I'd dropped their class. Nah, I just didn't want to sit and listen to you talk at me. Don't get me wrong, I love learning. But there comes a point when you sit in a classroom and look at the professor and think, "What are you saying to me, and why do I care?"

    That probably hit me hardest last semester when I sat through a "Philosophy of Religion" class. Disclaimer: this class is not a philosophy of religion as much as it is a philosophy of monotheism. Correction, its a philosophy of "does God exist". After the first lecture, I was already quite disappointed, and knew that the semester would be long. After the first month, I stopped going to class altogether, and only showed up for the exams (which I did decently on, considering I never went to class or did the readings). However, the lecture that really struck me was when a student said that no matter what we do in the class, we cannot explain God's existence because we do not contain the power to create such a judgment. He basically made the point that the class was pointless. This was the third lecture.

    That awkward moment when someone shits on your class, but you still keep lecturing like no one heard that.

    Anyway, college was a fun experience. But I lost taste for the school, and holding your breath till graduation is not the way to go. I kind of wish I had graduated now, even though I would have been completely lost afterwards. I miss my friends. The people who became my family away from home. The people who were my warmth and shelter when the world turned cold and menacing. Getting in the car and driving away was the hardest thing I've had to do since coming to college.

    But being out prematurely gives me the chance to take a step back. Now, I'm going to be restarting classes, sometime this year. Whether in the summer or the fall, I don't know for sure yet. I also don't know exactly what classes I'll be taking. I do know that they will be classes that I am interested in; not my parents, not my cousin, not some random adviser who thinks that I should do whatever "x" successful student did that has nothing to do with my interests, but me.

    As far as what I'm going to do in the meantime, well...

Sunday, 31 March 2013

  • Currently
    Sherlock Holmes: A Game of Shadows
    By Robert Downey Jr., Jude Law, Noomi Rapace, Jared Harris, Stephen Fry
    see related

    Consistency

    Throughout my life, my one failure when it comes to writing has been consistency. Whether it be writing new pieces or finishing old ones, I have lacked in consistent motivation. I have volumes of ideas at a time, but so few of them make it past the initial word document on my laptop. I have folders and folders of random writing that I've started, that will never amount to more than that. The product inconsistency.

    Perhaps this speaks volumes to the type of person I am. I dislike monotonous routine. Or perhaps it is routine that I fail to maintain. Going to class, waking up, appointments, meals; anything and everything that exists in a realm that requires repetition to keep things on an even keel, I have shirked and found ways around. But that doesn't work anymore. I've seen the error of my actions, and I'm paying for them. Whenever I think I've found a new source of motivation, it fails me. I stop caring. Now that I am older, I no longer believe that I am capable of consistency. Maybe I am doomed to a life of irregularity. Which at first doesn't sound so bad...but only at first.

Thursday, 28 March 2013

  • Currently
    Food in the Belly
    By Xavier Rudd
    Follow the Sun
    see related

    Follow The Sun

    When I woke up today, the room was another shade of abysmal grey. The darkness had already begun to settle on through the open window. It was like a rushing whirlpool; I could see people falling...sliding...being sucked in. I raised my hand over my eyes, wishing for the image to leave my mind, though I knew it wouldn't. As the sloshing sound of water penetrated my membrane, I began to move away. But wherever I moved, thus did the foreboding feeling follow me. I was lost in a maelstrom of worry.

    But I remembered your smile. The days that turned to night, that returned to morning; as though fearing the chance to see the change in the first place. Always looking to the future. This time, I would see the start of sunlight pouring through my window, and the warmth would free my soul from its cathartic prison. I would follow the sun.

Toy_Kite

  • Visit Toy_Kite's Xanga Site
    • Name: Kotei
    • Gender: Male
    • Member Since: 10/9/2008

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About Me

  • "I grow old…I grow old... I shall wear the bottoms of my trousers rolled." - T.S. Eliot