I don't know why I post here sometimes. I grow weary of talking about shit thats bothering me. Yet that seems to be the only thing I talk about. Ive not been able to write poetry, and my creative flow is non-existent these days. I don't like you right now, xanga. You're like a girlfriend that doesn't even listen to me. We clearly need some distance

So I've left Rochester. I couldn't take being there much more, and it was showing in my classwork. I wasn't going to class, and I was running low on excuses. Most professors figured I'd dropped their class. Nah, I just didn't want to sit and listen to you talk at me. Don't get me wrong, I love learning. But there comes a point when you sit in a classroom and look at the professor and think, "What are you saying to me, and why do I care?"

That probably hit me hardest last semester when I sat through a "Philosophy of Religion" class. Disclaimer: this class is not a philosophy of religion as much as it is a philosophy of monotheism. Correction, its a philosophy of "does God exist". After the first lecture, I was already quite disappointed, and knew that the semester would be long. After the first month, I stopped going to class altogether, and only showed up for the exams (which I did decently on, considering I never went to class or did the readings). However, the lecture that really struck me was when a student said that no matter what we do in the class, we cannot explain God's existence because we do not contain the power to create such a judgment. He basically made the point that the class was pointless. This was the third lecture.

That awkward moment when someone shits on your class, but you still keep lecturing like no one heard that.

Anyway, college was a fun experience. But I lost taste for the school, and holding your breath till graduation is not the way to go. I kind of wish I had graduated now, even though I would have been completely lost afterwards. I miss my friends. The people who became my family away from home. The people who were my warmth and shelter when the world turned cold and menacing. Getting in the car and driving away was the hardest thing I've had to do since coming to college.

But being out prematurely gives me the chance to take a step back. Now, I'm going to be restarting classes, sometime this year. Whether in the summer or the fall, I don't know for sure yet. I also don't know exactly what classes I'll be taking. I do know that they will be classes that I am interested in; not my parents, not my cousin, not some random adviser who thinks that I should do whatever "x" successful student did that has nothing to do with my interests, but me.

As far as what I'm going to do in the meantime, well...

When I woke up today, the room was another shade of abysmal grey. The darkness had already begun to settle on through the open window. It was like a rushing whirlpool; I could see people falling...sliding...being sucked in. I raised my hand over my eyes, wishing for the image to leave my mind, though I knew it wouldn't. As the sloshing sound of water penetrated my membrane, I began to move away. But wherever I moved, thus did the foreboding feeling follow me. I was lost in a maelstrom of worry.

But I remembered your smile. The days that turned to night, that returned to morning; as though fearing the chance to see the change in the first place. Always looking to the future. This time, I would see the start of sunlight pouring through my window, and the warmth would free my soul from its cathartic prison. I would follow the sun.